(no subject)

The interesting part about having a journal is coming back to analyze what you've been through, where you're at and where you're headed. I just spent the past 15 minutes reading mostly private and friends only posts mainly about the emotional rollercoaster I was on throughout my ex husbands affair, attempt to rekindle the marriage and finally, divorce. Yes, nearly 16 months after the affair, my divorce was finally finalized as of Wednesday. As of Wednesday, he became my ex-husband and I couldn't control my ear to ear grin at my hearing when everything was said and done. Lessons learned and strangely, now that its all said and done, I don't have many regrets.
I could go through all the reasons everything happened for a reason, whatever hasn't killed me has made me stronger, blah blah blah, but honestly, I'm at the point where I'm done hurting and I'm over what happened. Finally, I have positive things going on and I don't have the additional stress or baggage.

It has been an odd few months. To say the least, its been an odd yet eventful summer. I spent most of it drinking away the part of the day that I could not sleep away, I went out to bars, partied like it was 1999, moved into my apartment, dated for a short unsucessful time, took some classes, traveled as much as I could possibly travel and worked on base. I made new friends, lost some old ones and just tried to enjoy myself while slowly establishing my life solo.

Then there is school. Its still up in the air, but I'm 1 class short of my Associates in Criminal Justice so at least I'm actively figuring things out. There was a period of time where I was planning to move to southern Arizona to go to an RN program. There are plenty of good schools up here, however, I don't trust myself being around all my friends and Phoenix's night life. Self disipline isn't my strong point so relocating is a high possibility. Theres not all that much in this area for me, and for me to be in one area for 3 years now just seems like too long.
So, after 3 trips to Minot, North Dakota to visit my boyfriend, I submitted an application to Minot State University for their pre-nursing program. Its not until Fall 2013, but if theres no waiting list like there is here, and theres not a whole lot going on in Minot, North Dakota, why not? I'm not sure if I'll be accepted or how well my Associate's credits will transfer (I'm always pessimistic about these things), but I'm willing to see what the outcome is on this.
My boyfriend and I haven't been together all that long so I don't want to get too ahead of myself or too crazy because its a year out, but I can't help but get excited thinking about moving up there and leaving Phoenix again.

Anywho, theres a short update on what has been happening. I'm so glad I can finally come back here in another stage of life and know some negative aspects I once had in my past are in my past.


(no subject)

Its been over a week since I filled out the divorce papers. Who am I kidding? No matter how hard anyone tries, you can't change anyone, and I can't change the fact my husband is, well, gay.

Here I am, a bit heavy hearted at times, but too preoccupied to be upset with the termination of my marriage. Afterall, it was me who filed it.

So, heres the small rant I need to get out... First of all, how does one get married when they're not sure of their sexuality? Did they think marriage could deter their homosexual thoughts and possibly make them straight? Also, are they that selfish they put themselves before anyone else and get married just for the image? Sure, children would have been a nice thought, but would the "Casual Encounters, Man for Man" Craigslist ads ever stop? Children or not, the issues are there and they're not going away just because someone got caught up in their secret mess of a homosexual life.

I'm just going to have to take another minute to thank God I never got an STD or had children with this individual.

What I don't understand is the fact the day after our 2 year wedding anniversary I found out he cheated on me, and not only cheated on me, he cheated on me with a man. The best idea for me is leaving, right? I did that for a bit, even took off and stayed in Mexico with some family for a while thinking I'd come back with answers. Nope, still came back just as empty handed as I left... Let me restate what I said. I CAUGHT him cheating on me. He never came to me letting me know he had a problem, and I'm sure he never would have.
I come back, hes literally crying. Theres this big poster board with something along the lines of "I'm so sorry Becky, I love you. Please forgive me" with my wedding ring across it along with just about every glass framed photo of us that we own. The first thing I do is destroy it. Never in my life has someone done something so hurtful, I can't even begin to describe how low I felt at the time. This was the deepest depression I've ever experienced. The person who is supposed to be my best friend, who I trusted with my life cheated on me. A week prior, I took this same man back east to meet my entire family. They welcomed him, and he cheated on me before this! I couldn't believe this guy. The next few months don't even matter, because I was terrified to be alone, to have a failed marriage and to just let go of him.

The next 8 months, I tried. I went to counselors, chaplains, read books, honestly did everything I could to make my marriage work. But it didn't. Somewhere along the lines, the homosexual tendencies came back and I felt the wrath of his issues. I did everything I could for that man. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of myself very well for him and I took care of him. Whatever I did, it was never enough to be appreciated. Finally, over time, no matter what I did, I was a "stupid bitch" who was wasting all "his money" (lets not forget the fact on top of my last deployment, I also contributed about 20 grand from my inheritance fund). Over time, I began to believe I was worthless, and the physical abuse didn't help.

About a week and a half ago, he came home upset from work... the house was spotless and there was a beautiful dinner waiting for him. On the counter is an enormous pot of tortilla soup I spent the entire day making for him. He is very obviously upset with the fact I didn't make any sides(there was a bunch of left overs from the dinner I had the previous night, plus I didn't think soup needs sides). I go in to the guest bedroom and shut the door because for one, I'm exhausted being up early for my medical appointment, and two, I understand he needs to wind down from work. He takes offense to me going into the other room and just explodes. The funny thing is, this is normal. But I've had enough. I locked the guest room door and start filling out the divorce papers online.

I've just had enough. I could deal with an affair alone, thats the least of my worries, but throw the complications in there and it makes the situation a lot more difficult. Now, I have this man who always brings me down, and he wants me to go to another state with him. I continue to get told how worthless I am, but if I go to another state, I can't start an educational program in the short time he'll be in military school. He wants to get stationed overseas, and I couldn't find a single school that has a nursing program in overseas bases.

So fuck it. Go by yourself! I don't need you. And how dare you try to blame ME for your infidelities and feelings for men! Those issues are yours, and now, solely your issues.
One last thing. Thank you for making me feel like scum constantly. If it wasn't for you constantly reminding me how "worthless" you thought I was, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now, which is leaving you to live a better life.


bagram nights

theres no words to describe the level of terror i felt.
events after events all night
insurgents, dead bodies, americans, friends.
hysterical, helpless, and when the shots were too close for comfort, i clung to my rifle, looked to the sky,
then recited whatever prayer i could vaguely remember from my early years in catholic school
i asked God to keep my boys alive and to get me through the night, i knew there was a slim chance.

its been the longest, most difficult day of my life, but i knew my prayers were answered when i was relieved of duty and saw flores in the ward. when i knew he was going to be alright, sweaty, disgusting and still in full rattle battle, we let the tears flow free when we knew the night was over and we were okay.

i cant stop thinking 'what if'. if i hadn't decided to be on the more dangerous shift for my husband's sake, he probably would have been in that position this morning. if the insurgents decided to attack yesterday, i was at the post hit the hardest. its crazy how everything can be so normal one second then all in a few minutes, your life can change.

i feel like im not really here, like none of this is happening, and im going to wake up any minute, but reality is setting in, and soon enough, we're all going back to work and do what we came here to do.
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    modest mouse_dramamine

(no subject)

NEW YORK, 2010Collapse )

Earlier this month, I made it home to Boston to spread my father's ashes. We drove to his hometown of Newport, Rhode Island and spread them in the ocean, just as he requested. It was perfect. While I was there, my sister and I had some bonding time and went to NYC for 2 nights.

My husband and I are in the process of moving to Mesa until we deploy. If I'm correct, theres 22 days left until we leave for Afghanistan, won't see home again until October or November. From what I'm told, we'll be working for the Army, doing outside the wire convoy missions 12 miles north of Kabul. As for now, we're just out-processing the base, getting peanut butter shots and more crazy third world country medications then you'd like to imagine.

Thursday I will be meeting Senior Airman Jason Nathan's mother who is visiting my base from Georgia. SrA Nathan was stationed at Lakenheath while deployed to Iraq. He was returning from a mission when his combat patrol was struck by and IED and suffered a fatal wound. While I was at Lakenheath, I had 2 friends who were on his deployment, one who was on the convoy, and they would talk about Nathan all the time. I'm a little nervous to meet her. What do you even say to someone with a loss like that?

Anyway, time for bed. I don't even know why I'm still up.

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    pete yorn

(no subject)

katie motivated me to write in here.

i cant even remember the last time i actually wrote in here, besides some lame-o picture updates. livejournal always reminds me of high school. its not that its immature or ive outgrown blogging, its just that theres so many high-induced dramatic times and so many emotions that i can still associate with this site.

certain parts and aspects of my life are completely different. some chapters have closed, many new beginnings have begun. god, i feel like im talking to the eighteen year old becky barely out of high-school and mum's house.

who knew i would be here, in england, where i am right now? its weird though, how everything fell right into place for me. like, how over the years, mike w. and i finally went our seperate ways. how college didnt quite work out and after years of exploring life, i.e. hitting rock bottom, i reached out to the military and got more than i expected.
i remember my summer as a 19 year old, sitting around, dead broke, living out of my car, jumping on roadtrips/flights to different parts of the country at any given time, snorting more lines from $1 bills than i even want to think about. i dont even really know the point of this entry, to be honest.

anyway, its been 2 years to the day since i left boston, nervous, unexperienced, and a certain need to jump into the unexpected. thank you england, iraq, france, poland, italy, spain, portugal and so on and so forth for giving me the life experiences i think ive been longing for. but, mainly england, for all the people and culture and everything else i got out of here.

its been fun, its been swell, but its time to go, because this chick... well, she has a plane to catch in few hours and is ready for another chapter to close, and a new beginning to begin.

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    bright eyes_first day of my life